Category Archives: Personal Growth

Should I stay in Hawaii or go home?

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I bet it was the Joni Mitchell song I heard that triggered this long-ago memory from the ‘70’s…

personal mission statementI was in Hawaii with a young man (well, that’s a stretch–he was a boy then, he’s a boy today) that I’d fallen “madly in love” with when I was about fourteen. His name was Jim St. Pierre (don’t you love the romantic ring to that?).

Now I was 20, he was 21. We stayed with Jim’s friend who was in the army and had the unbelievable good fortune of getting stationed in Honolulu (instead of being shipped to Vietnam!). Jim planned to stay a few months; I said I could take a week of vacation.

We spent a wonderful week exploring the island (on a motorcycle, of course). The boys were surfers and I loved watching them ride the huge waves on the north shore. We enjoyed tropical showers and vivid sunsets.

This was one of those “good-girl, bad-boy” romances. I was career-minded even then. In fact I was an assistant buyer for a luxury department store in Southern California—the youngest in the store’s history. Jim was a…well, let’s just say he was a free spirit, interested only in earning enough money to support his surfing and other recreational habits (I’ll leave that to your imagination — hey, it was the ‘70’s!).

For a week I was in carefree heaven. But vacations end and soon came the day for me to go home, go back to work, back to real life.

Then Jim asked me to stay.

Could my life get any better than that? I imagined living in this tropical paradise, going to the beach every day, making puka shell necklaces…living a very carefree life.

But I didn’t stay. I still remember boarding the plane, with tears in my eyes.

You see, in that moment, at an age when I didn’t even have the conscious awareness, let alone the vocabulary to express it, I knew what I really wanted my life to look like.

This was long before people paid life coaches to help them live intentionally, long before we wrote personal mission statements, long before the volumes of self-help books had been written.

Even though I was too young and uninitiated to have a personal life plan, I knew at some level I was making a choice that was congruent with who I am, a choice that fit my values.

So I boarded the plane, went back to my assistant buyer job and I’ve been a career woman ever since.

What do you really want your life to look like?

I know too many people who are discontent, frustrated with their jobs (or careers), or tired of relationships that drain them. They feel stuck, or perhaps lost, unable to find a path to happiness.

Last week I had a conversation with a friend who has had a difficult four years. An accident interrupted her booming career and left her with constant physical pain, plus a mountain of medical bills. Now, after surgery, which should make a major difference in her health, and an insurance settlement that will get her as close to “whole” as she’ll ever be, she’s facing big decisions.

It’s a little overwhelming.

Where does she want to live? Which career path should she pursue? What is the best investment of her time and money?

Choosing is always more difficult than not choosing, because we have to take responsibility then. But not deciding is also making a decision – a decision to let life take you where it will, instead of being intentional. In the end, it’s avoiding responsibility.

It’s easy to get lost in wondering what the “right” decision will be. But there are no right or wrong answers. You get to decide what you want your life to look like. Your answer might be different than mine. You may have stayed in Hawaii!

It’s also easy to get stuck in feeling like you’ve been shortchanged. That’s a sure recipe for unhappiness. I can’t remember who said this (if I did I’d give them credit): “You must have wanted what you have because you chose it.”

That’s a tough fact to face, because it’s easier to see ourselves as victims of life’s pitfalls, accidents and tragedies. But in the end, we always get to choose, even if our only choice is HOW we respond to misfortunes that we all encounter.

Don’t make it harder than it needs to be.

My friend will make the best decisions for herself if she’ll answer these questions:

  • What makes me happy?
  • What feeds my spirit?
  • What do I really want my life to look like?

I hope you’ll make your life the work of art that you desire. Just be faithful to who you are and faithful to your own values.

Choose.

Take care,

Darcie Harris

 

 

P.S. Yes, I still have a bit of that carefree, adventurous spirit in me. As you read this, I’ll be enjoying two weeks of carefree heaven, exploring the coast between the French Riviera and Barcelona. And then I’ll come back to work, just like I did in 1973. Because that’s really what makes me happy.

Alpha Mare: Embrace the grace of power

P.S.S. If you’d like some guidance on deciding what you really want your life to look like, you’ll enjoy my e-course, The Alpha Mare: Embrace the Grace of Power.  It’s a deep exploration into discovering who you are, giving up the stories that keep you stuck and uncovering your most authentic self.

 

A “Balcony Person” made my day

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Balcony peopleI could see the audience begin to rise in ovation as the full cast of Les Miserables gathered on stage to sing the powerful final refrain of Do You Hear the People Sing?

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes.

I suppose it’s typical for an audience to affirm the cast of a play with a rousing ovation. What I noticed, though, is that it’s always the people in the balcony seats along the side of the theater who rise first and who cheer the loudest — whistling, cheering and calling Bravo!

I love the Balcony People

There are Balcony People outside the theater too. They are the people who are cheering others on, affirming, encouraging. They offer strength, courage or a simple kind word for no reason at all.

I think it’s sad that we live in a pretty snarky world now. Look at the tabloid covers at the checkout stand in any grocery or drug store. They exploit the most painful moments of people’s lives and shove that into our faces. We, in turn, entertain ourselves reading about other people’s failures or celebrating the criticism and humiliation that’s standard red meat for most reality TV shows.

And while social media has its plus side, it’s also become a place to complain, criticize, and condemn. That’s pretty easy to do, shielded behind the safety of our computer screens. But we don’t need to let ourselves get swept into this current of judgment and criticism.

Sure, there are people who get on our nerves, annoy us, people who do things we don’t like. But we’ll likely never know the pain or the burdens that brought them to the place where they behave the way they do.

We’ll likely never know the heartaches or worries of the person in the car next to us at a red light, the strangers we pass in mall, or the work crews we see mowing lawns.

I do know this:  a simple smile, a small gesture of kindness may be the only bright spot in their day.

A Balcony Person made my day

Last week I facilitated a strategic planning session. Sounds like about as much fun as diagramming sentences, doesn’t it? And yet, the day was not just productive but happy and energizing.

The day was happy because Max, the board president, was a Balcony Person. Throughout the day, he interjected words of encouragement, appreciation and affirmation to each board member and to me. His cheerful spirit made my job as the facilitator much easier and lightened the spirits of everyone in the room.

But that’s not all. Two days later I received a hand-written note from Max, saying, “You are tremendous…guided us masterfully…your spirit shone so brightly and set the tone…”

Let me tell you, that simple note made my day. I know there will come a day when I’m discouraged, stuck or just feeling generally miserable and I’ll pull out Max’s note to lift my spirits.

Max is a Balcony Person.

Two kinds of energy

The play Les Miserables is the story of a man who turned his energy from hating to loving. It’s a story of forgiveness and redemption during a time when it was excruciatingly hard to do the former, let alone achieve the latter.

Surely if Jean Val Jean – a man unfairly imprisoned, scorned and hunted for a minor infraction of the law — could turn his heart from bitterness and hate to generosity and love, we can do something as simple as shift our energy from dark to light. Surely we can offer a few words of affirmation or encouragement to a friend, a co-worker or even a complete stranger.

Be a Balcony Person (please!)

Give the gift of affirmation. You may never know the outcome, but your few words of encouragement or appreciation may change a person’s life.

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes.

Take care,

Darcie Harris

 

P.S. Kindness is contagious

The best part of being a Balcony Person is that it’s catching! Your simple act of kindness or warmth will be remembered and passed on.

Here are just four of my favorite ways to be a Balcony Person:

  • I tell the cashier at the grocery store that I like her nails (those loooong ones, decorated with whatever the upcoming holiday is about)
  • I pause when I drive by a yard crew taking care of the landscaping and thank them for making the neighborhood pretty
  • I smile and say hello to the new person who walks into the gym so they will feel welcome
  • I always ask immigrant cab drivers to tell me about their home country and what it’s like there (they always miss it, and the families they left behind)

It feels so good to be kind! I’m sure I get more out of it than the recipient, because it lifts my spirits and brings joy to my day.

 

In defense of perfectionism

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My son Tate has always had wisdom beyond his years.

perfectionismOne Christmas, when he was about six, he watched me struggle as I was wrapping a gift. I was using ribbon with velvet on one side, satin on the other. I tried my best to get all the loops and tails to come out with the velvet side up.

That slippery little ribbon wasn’t cooperating.

I don’t think I spewed profanity (surely not in front of a six year old!), but Tate could tell I was getting pretty frustrated. I was on my fourth try, when Tate looked at me – puzzled — and calmly said, “Mom, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Don’t you know all that energy you use trying to be perfect could be used just to have fun?”

Well, uh…I’d never really thought about life like that.

I’ve remembered his wise words ever since and I do attempt to find that delicate balance between perfectionism and knowing when “good enough” is good enough.

And yet…I’m a big fan of perfectionism.

All you have to do is watch the documentary “This Is It” about Michael Jackson to see perfectionism in motion. Watch him bring forth the absolute best from every singer, dancer and musician.

Just listen to k.d. lang sing Hallelujah at the Winter Olympics and you’ll know what perfection sounds like. (If this isn’t perfect, I don’t know what is!)

Daniel Day Lewis is a perfectionist – when he takes on a role, he stays “in character” the entire time the movie is being shot. Yes, he embodied President Lincoln for months, never sliding back and forth from Abe to Daniel. See that movie and you’ll see perfectionism at its best.

Steven Jobs was a perfectionist, and the beauty of his Apple products (not to mention animated movies) are a testimony to his constant quest for innovation.

The Ritz Carlton hotels, Nordstrom’s shopping experience, Valentino gowns are all premium brands that shoot for perfection.

I admire the effort, the dedication, the sense of mission it takes to create these performances, these products, these brands.

Yet it looks to me like we’re declining into a culture that shrugs when things go wrong and says, “Whatever.” We’ve made it fashionable to be wrinkled, rumpled and ragged. We work so hard to protect our own self esteem (and that of our children) that we tell ourselves it’s fine to settle for ordinary, mediocre or even second-rate.

Now before you start throwing things at me, you can definitely make an argument that being an all-out perfectionist is unhealthy. Without a doubt, taken too far, perfectionism burdens our lives with compulsion, anxiety and shame.

At its worst, perfectionistic thoughts can include, “If I make a mistake, there’s something wrong with me,” or “I’m never good enough.” Trying to be perfect at everything, all the time interferes with relationships and stifles creativity.

But I’m not talking about basing your entire self-worth as a person on being a perfect human being. I’m saying, Let’s embrace the pursuit of perfection in our endeavors. Let’s quit accepting mediocrity and keep shooting for the stars.

Striving for perfection doesn’t mean you never make a mistake, it means that you look at every opportunity for improvement.

I’d like to think there’s such a thing as healthy perfectionism (I wonder how many mental health professionals will disagree with me).

Perhaps the determining factor between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism depends on where the desire for perfection comes from. Does it come from fear, from shame, or the constant need for approval? Not healthy. Does it lead to being critical of everyone or everything? Not good.

But what if the genesis of pursuing perfection is a temperament for excellence? Or an eye for the most delightful aesthetics? Or an ear for beautiful music? Or appreciation for impeccable skills? Or the desire to create the highest level of customer service?

If the perfectionistic drive comes from a true desire to be committed to your endeavor, your work or your craft – to do and be the best you can be – then I think perfectionism is a worthy goal.

Like any other strength, perfectionism overused becomes a weakness. When the root of perfectionism is conditional acceptance, we’ve got a problem.

So while I strive to give my best to every worthy endeavor, I still remember my son’s words: Some of that energy I’m using to find perfection I now use just to have fun! I hope you’ll do both too.

Take care, d

Darcie Harris

 

 

P.S.  I’m not a therapist, so if being a perfectionist is ruining your life, seek professional help please!

When your To-Do List fails…

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One task topped the list of all my prioPrioritiesrities yesterday — I planned to write this blog post.

That didn’t happen.  (I bet you’ve had days like this too!)

This is what yesterday looked like instead:

 

  • A consulting client had an issue that needed immediate attention.
  • My son needed me to drive him to a medical appointment (no worries, he’s fine now).
  • I received a call from a conference planner who wanted to see if I would be a good fit for their keynote speaker.

So there went my day, and my blog didn’t get written, even though it was #1 on my priority list.

I used to feel stressed and guilty when things like this happened, but not anymore.

I’m a huge believer in planning and prioritizing. I preach and teach the value and necessity of strategic planning. I walk the talk about starting every week with a To-Do List that includes my Top Five Priorities, and my Top One of Five (meaning, no matter what fails, this One Thing must get accomplished).

Yet should I have said “No” to all three unexpected requests because I knew that this blog post was my #1 priority?

Of course not. And neither should you. Because in Real Life, some things are more important than others (no matter what we have written on our To-Do lists!).

Let’s get clear about priorities and lists

Your priorities are guidelines that determine where you spend your energy, your time and your money. I think businesses function best – and we feel less stress — when we are disciplined about three well thought out priority lists.

1)      Annual Key Initiatives (relatively static, these shift and change only when you make strategy changes)

Your annual key initiatives define your primary focus – your foremost strategic plans, projects, and ideas you believe will move your company forward. Think of them like energy buckets – they define where you spend your energy, and include things like:

  • Achieve more visibility in a target market
  • Create efficiencies through structure and systems
  • Improve cash reserves (or improve cash flow, or build more equity)
  • Develop employees’ skills and capabilities
  • Upgrade technology

2)      Weekly To-Do List (these are transient priorities that move you toward your Key Initiatives)

Your Weekly To-Do list is task oriented and each task should move you forward so you can accomplish your Key Initiatives. It’s very dynamic, changing weekly, daily, even hourly. Things get written down, accomplished and scratched off (I love that!). Things like:

  • Write a press release
  • Email a proposal to a prospect
  • Write a new job description
  • Follow up on accounts receivable
  • Order new business cards

What’s missing?

Now you’re clear on your Annual Key Initiatives, and you’ve made your Weekly To-Do List. But here’s what gets left out of all this idealistic planning: Real-life Priorities.

Your real-life priorities are what matter most, regardless of the best-laid plans.

3)      Real-life Priorities (these come first…no matter what else happens)

Knowing your Real-life Priorities helps you make those difficult decisions about where to invest your energy, time and money (not to mention your heart) when life doesn’t go as planned.

Deciding what comes first, no matter what, can save you tons of stress and keep you from becoming immobilized when there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Most important, knowing what’s important keeps you from feeling guilty when there’s simply not enough of you to go around.

Here’s a short list of my Real-life Priorities:

  • Family and friends in distress
  • Current client needs
  • High value opportunities
  • Cash management

Your short list might look different.  But I know we’ll agree that there are certain things for each of us that simply can’t be ignored, no matter what our strategic plan and key initiatives are.

I think of my Real-life Priorities like a disaster plan. I live in what’s known as “tornado alley” – so most of us here have a simple plan for what do to, where to go, who to call and what to grab when the weatherman says “Take shelter NOW!”

The plan is already in place and I don’t have to think about it. Having a plan always reduces stress. And that’s what clarifying your Real-life Priorities can do for you.

Life still happens

Yes, we have a Strategic Plan. Yes, we know our Annual Key Initiatives. Yes, we have a Weekly To-Do List, with the top five priorities listed front and center.

And yet, life still happens. Family members need you. Technology and equipment fails. Great opportunities pop up.

So when your To-Do List fails, take comfort in knowing you can rely on your Real-life Priorities to get you through with a minimum amount of stress and guilt.

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Take care,

Darcie Harris

 

 

P.S. Scientific fact: deciding priorities takes up lots of brain space! When you’re ready to decide your Real-Life Priorities, do it first thing in the morning, before you’ve taxed your brain. You’ll be glad you did!

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Candid girl talk…our emotional attachments

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emotional attachmentsLast month my annual GYN exam revealed something growing where it shouldn’t be.  (That’s creepy news to hear!)  An ultrasound didn’t provide many clues, and an MRI only confirmed there was…well…a large mass near my uterus.

My doctor assured me that none of the tests indicated that scary “C” word — but it couldn’t be ruled out a hundred percent, either.  Clearly uncomfortable with the status quo he said, “You’re one of those cases that cause us docs to scratch our heads and say, ‘What do we do now?’’”

Without hesitation I said, “You know, I’m not emotionally attached to my uterus.  At this stage of my life, it serves no useful purpose.  How about if we just take it out?” 

So I had a hysterectomy on Monday (which is why my weekly blog skipped a beat).  Problem solved (and I feel great, by the way).

But as a regular reader of my words, you likely know that this post isn’t about my health.  It is, as always, about the metaphor.

EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS

Once I spoke the words “not emotionally attached” and “no useful purpose” I couldn’t get them out of my mind.  Having made the decision to ditch a few body parts with surprising ease, I began to see everything through new eyes.

For a month I’ve been asking myself, “How many other things in my life serve no useful purpose?  Am I emotionally attached to them?” 

I came upon six years of Hemingway journals, which I use for my weekly planning.  Yes, six years.  (You’re laughing at me now, aren’t you!)  And I asked myself, Do these serve any useful purpose?  No.  So why am I keeping these?  Am I emotionally attached to them?  Yes.  Why?  Because that’s six years of work on those pages!

As I swapped the winter clothes in my closet with spring clothes, I noticed a sweater I bought in Paris two years ago, and have only worn once.  (It looked a lot cuter in that Paris boutique!)

Then there’s the straw handbag I bought in Rwanda but I’m too lazy to change purses all the time, so I never use it.   But I remember so clearly the face of the woman who made it!

And my books!  I may still have every book I’ve ever read.

Turns out I own lots of things that serve no useful purpose. The problem is, I’m emotionally attached to most of them.

So I’ve been asking myself quite a few questions:

  • What meaning have I attached to these “things?” What do they represent to me?
  • What am I holding on to?
  • Am I holding on to the past?  Or preparing for the future?
  • Are these attachments keeping me from something new and different?
  • Would it free up some space – both physical and emotional – if I parted with a few of these belongings?

Now, I’m not talking about things with deep sentimental meaning, like my children’s kindergarten drawings, my aunt’s antique wooden bowl, or a necklace my mother gave me.  That’s different.  And I feel great compassion for the many women who have had to sacrifice precious body parts before they outlived their usefulness, as mine had.  That’s real sorrow.

THE PAST OR THE FUTURE

I’m talking about things and thoughts, belongings and beliefs, which might be keeping us in the past instead of preparing us for the future.  Do these things, thoughts, belongings and beliefs represent a resistance to change or grow?

Are there things — tangible and intangible — personal or business — that you are holding on to, without knowing why?  See where these questions take you:

  • Are you emotionally attached to a certain product or service you offer, that may no longer meet the needs of your market?
  • Are you emotionally attached to an employee that can’t keep up now that the company has grown?  (I’ve seen this happen, and it’s painful!)
  • Are you emotionally attached to a client that may not really fit your business model anymore?
  • Are you emotionally attached to a belief about yourself that is holding you back?  (I call these “stories.”)
  • Are you emotionally attached to a relationship that prevents you from being open to a new one?
  • Are any of these tangible “things” or intangible beliefs taking up valuable space (in your closet, in your mind, in your heart)?
  • Is what you think and believe – about yourself or your business — positioning you for the future or holding you in the past?

I’m still mystified as to why it is more difficult for me to part with a book than it was to part with my ovaries!  But I’m on a new journey now to reexamine what I’m holding on to and what that emotional attachment might keep me from exploring.

I kissed my Hemingway journals goodbye and put them in the recycle bin.  They will become useful once again in a brand new shape and form (paper towels? toilet paper?).  I folded the Paris sweater neatly, and sent it on to the women’s shelter, along with the straw handbag and two dozen other clothing items.  To another woman, these clothes will represent the new, the future.

You know what?  I felt lighter.

I am creating space for something new to take shape.  I hope you will too!

Take care,

Darcie Harris

 

 

P.S.  I hope you’ll share your stories of creating space with me too, in the Comments section below.  And if you like what you read, feel free to share.

Are ambitious women are less feminine?

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Ambitious womenI’ve been stewing about this for a week now.  I’m writing today in defense of ambition.  Specifically, in defense of ambitious women.  (Next week I might tackle defending perfectionism!)

Here’s why…

Last week, a close friend of mine spoke to me about his nephew, who is about to graduate from law school.  “I’m so proud of him.  He’s smart, he’s ambitious and he’s going to have a great career ahead of him.”  

The next day, a woman friend confided she felt troubled by hitting a speed bump in her career path.  “I think some of my co-workers – especially the women — didn’t like me because I am ambitious.  And because I’m not petite, they felt intimidated.”

Between her ambitions and her stature, she actually ended up feeling less feminine.  Her revelation was like a knife in my heart.  This woman is lovely, inside and out.  She’s competent, smart, and yes, she’s ambitious.  She’s also very feminine.

Her ambition makes her passionate about doing a good job, about doing what she was hired to do, and doing it to the best of her abilities.

Why do we admire ambition in men, but not in women?    

I’m curious…if someone described you to a friend and said, “She’s ambitious,” would you consider that a compliment?  Or would it make you feel less feminine?  Would you rather others describe you as pretty?

It’s time to rethink the stories we tell ourselves about ambitious women.  What is the source of our beliefs?  Is it time to challenge our own assumptions?

It’s time to realize that we will only be comfortable with the ambitions of other women when we get comfortable with our own ambitions. 

It’s time to be honest, too.  (This might hurt!)  Women have always been ambitious.  In years past, we just projected that ambition elsewhere.   We proudly chose ambitious spouses and felt pride in their career advancement and financial success.  We were ambitious about our children’s accomplishments.  We were ambitious about our material possessions — our homes, the clothes and jewelry we wear.

It’s time to embrace our own ambitions.

We don’t need to live out our ambitions through others.  You might have big career ambitions.  You might be ambitious about your creative gifts.  You might be ambitious about your community service.  Good for you!  We don’t all have to be alike.

As for me, I am nothing short of profoundly grateful for all the ambitious women who have changed the world, one small step at a time.  Ambitious women like:

  • Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx.  She began the company with $5,000 of her personal savings and launched a global company, providing thousands of jobs.  She’s now the world’s youngest self-made female billionaire.  Are we going to hold that against her? 
  • Frances Perkins, our first female cabinet secretary, serving as Secretary of Labor from 1933 to 1945.  Before she left her mark, our country had no child labor laws, no social security system, no unemployment insurance and few safety laws.  Without Frances (I feel like I should call her Ms Perkins) our country might still have labor conditions like we see in Bangladesh, where people are forced to work 12 to 14 hour shifts in unsafe buildings.
  • Candice Lightner, who founded MADD — Mothers Against Drunk Drivers — after her 13-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver.  Thanks to her ambition, estimates show that drunk driving has been cut in half. 
  • Serena Williams…enough said!

These ambitious women have each changed the world in their own unique way. 

I believe ambition is a strength, and any strength overused becomes a weakness.   Ambition becomes dark when the source of that ambition is purely ego or personal gain.  Ambition turns sour when we use or abuse other people for our own gain.

But ambition fueled by a desire to live out our full potential or born from a longing to serve the greater good is an admirable quality, for both men and women.

As we celebrate International Women’s Day on March 8th– a global holiday honoring women and the contributions of women around the world – let’s all celebrate the accomplishments of ambitious women! 

Celebrate by telling an ambitious woman you admire her!

No, I don’t believe being ambitious makes you less feminine.  I believe it can make you MORE feminine.

My hope for you is that you will proudly embrace your own ambitions, whatever they are, and use them for the greater good.

“A (wo)man’s worth is no greater than the worth of his (her) ambitions.”  ~  Marcus Aurelius

Take care,

Darcie Harris

 

P.S.  Do you need a jump start to help you get comfortable with your own ambitions and embrace your full potential?  If so … you might like my e-course The Alpha Mare: Embrace the Grace of Power.  Check it out!

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Does being ambitious make you less feminine?
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