Power: Embracing the Alpha Mare
Ask a woman if she aspires to be powerful and nine out of ten will look shocked and say, “No!”
Women may want to be influential, yes. Powerful? Don’t go there.
Women want to be seen as compassionate, fair, understanding. We are the “helpers” of the world. For many women, to think about power seems a bit unfeminine. Or worse, crass, as though power is associated only with personal, selfish or material gain.
It’s almost offensive.
It makes perfect sense, really. Too often women have seen power overused, misused and abused. The result? Women often avoid or abdicate authentic power.
I’ve seen women walking on eggshells with their staff, or nearly held hostage by employees, fearful of expressing expectations and expecting accountability. I’ve seen women make excuses for employees who do not live up to expectations, don’t produce enough, or simply do mediocre work while the company suffers and the bar gets lowered for everyone on the team.
But if power is bad, that makes powerless good right?
Think about the last time you felt powerless. It might have been as simple as being caught in heavy traffic on the way to an appointment, and knowing your will be late. It may have been as critical as finding out a dear friend has cancer, and feeling completely helpless. Regardless of the level of significance, feeling powerless doesn’t feel good.
As women struggle with our own legitimate power, we inadvertently give away our power, without even realizing it.
Six common ways women avoid or give away power.
Take a look and see if any of these apply to you? I know I have my personal favorites!
- GOSSIP: Yup, we’ve got to start with the one that’s the hardest to face. We give away our power when we talk about others, especially when we speak negatively about other women. There is nothing we can say about another woman that will make her look as bad as we look when we talk trash or gossip about her. If you’re wondering what qualifies as gossip, one checkpoint is to ask yourself, “Would the woman I’m talking about be completely comfortable with me sharing this information with others?” Or, “Would I be saying the same thing about this woman if she were standing here listening to me?”
- BEING A VICTIM OR AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES: I know a woman who hates her job. She’s a workers’ comp attorney, and I can imagine that’s one of the most unpleasant jobs a person can have. Her work is adversarial. People arguing over everything; people who try to scam the system; people who are legitimately hurt being denied benefits. She’s extremely bright and could be successful in so many other situations. But she won’t pursue other options. There’s always an excuse. She likes how much money she makes and thinks she can’t replace her current compensation. She’s not trained to do anything else. She’s too busy to explore other options. She just keeps complaining. She sees herself as a victim and is stuck. She has an education most of us would give our right arm for: a bachelors degree, a masters degree, and a law degree. But she’s giving away her power, by believing she has no choice. When you behave as if you have no choice, you become a victim. It’s true, sometimes all of your choices look unpleasant. Sometimes we really are between a rock and a hard place. But you always have a choice. When you find yourself saying, “What else could I do?” or “I didn’t have a choice?” or pointing fingers or blaming others, you’re on your way to being a victim.
- NOT LEARNING: It takes a tremendous variety of skills and knowledge to run a business. You wear a lot of different hats. I often hear women who don’t understand their own financials say, “I just don’t like numbers.” Or their sales are flat, and they say, “I really don’t like selling” but pass up workshop opportunities to learn. No matter what your profession, technology skills are essential now. And what about current events? How often have you heard (or said!), “I don’t listen to the news; it’s just too negative and depressing.”? When we don’t educate ourselves about current events and important policy issues, we end up taking on the opinions and values of others. We don’t create our own opinions, we just become sponges for others’ opinions. We end up living with laws or the absence of laws that affect our quality of life. Knowledge is power. Refusing to learn is giving away your power.
- NOT BEING AUTHENTIC: Nothing damages trust more than lack of authenticity. And sadly, there’s a long list of ways we deny our own authenticity. We go along to get along. We don’t voice our opinions. We speak sweetly when we’re really seething with legitimate anger because nice girls don’t get mad. We allow social pressures to dictate what organizations we join, even if we don’t enjoy them. We engage in people pleasing, saying Yes when we really wanted to say No. We end up in unsatisfying professions because of family or parental influence. In short, we settle for someone else’s version of how we live.
- NOT CHARGING THE SAME AS MEN OR NOT NEGOTIATING FOR BETTER PAY: Weak expectations also lead women to not charging enough for their services or not negotiating for more, either in compensation or in contracts. Here’s a scary fact I read recently: A 22-year-old woman who negotiates for a 2.7 percent increase in a $35,000 starting salary, compared to male counterpart who negotiates a 4.3-percent increase on that same salary loses up to $2 million over her lifetime, wrote Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever in their book Women Don’t Ask.
- UNCLEAR EXPECTATIONS, LIMITS OR BOUNDARIES: Sometimes, above all else, we want to be liked. And because we want to be liked, we can be timid about saying clearly what we expect. In the workplace, not having boundaries shows up as not making expectations clear and not holding people accountable. Women tolerate or go along with inappropriate behavior because they are afraid to rock the boat. To define boundaries brings the fear of confrontation. I’ve seen women hire people without clearly defined job descriptions and without being up front about what they expect new employee to accomplish.
Fear is the core of all these ways we give away our power.
We may not feel comfortable or capable of exerting authority. Maybe we don’t feel we deserve to. Sometimes we just don’t want to rock the boat. We don’t want to be seen as demanding or hard to please. We most definitely don’t want to be seen as a shrew. Underneath, we’re afraid of what others might think of us.
When we abdicate our power we create a vacuum of leadership, without recognizing that our team members and staff would respect a more assertive, confident position.
How do you get more comfortable with your own legitimate power?
Turn to the natural world. In every herd of horses, there is a dominant horse, the horse recognized to be “in charge.” This horse is always a mare, commonly called the “alpha mare.”
Her duty is to tend to the safety and well-being of the entire herd, to signal the entire herd when to move, sleep, eat, drink, or run for safety. She frequently disciplines unruly youngsters, teaching them respectful behavior. The alpha mare has a great responsibility and the herd depends on her to make wise choices and enforce reasonable rules.
The entire herd looks to her for leadership, structure and discipline.
Imagine a herd of horses grazing peacefully in a pasture. Now picture that alpha mare. She smells a coyote in the wind and knows she’d better signal the herd to run. But she hesitates, and wonders, “They are all munching so happily. I hate to interrupt their dinner. Will they be mad at me?”
Pretty ridiculous, isn’t it. I doubt that alpha mares are squirming over their very legitimate power, wondering what the other horses think of them, feeling uncomfortable, or trying to avoid or give away their power. Through the laws of nature they step comfortably into their roles as alpha mares. If they do not lead with confident, legitimate power, their herd can suffer grave consequences.
For another equine example of appropriate power, look at female equestrians. Pair up a 125-pound woman with a 1,200-pound horse and the woman’s appropriate use of power becomes critical. The rider must be in charge or serious injury can result.
Being in charge does not mean being abusive, cruel or domineering. In fact, it means just the opposite. Through the gentle, consistent use of boundaries, alignment, timing, and learning to communicate in the horses’ language, a woman’s power can be used to direct and channel the horse’s energy into a magnificent display of teamwork, cooperation and athletic ability.
How can we be more like the wise alpha mares?
We can begin with accepting and embracing our own personal power as a gift, a talent and an honor. We can shift our perception of power from negative to positive, seeing our ability to use power for good, and letting go of the fear of what others think of us.
Think about the power of Rosa Parks. She changed the course of the world when she decided not to move to the back of the bus. Think about the power of Oprah Winfrey to inspire women to live their dreams. Think about the power of Mary Ellen Sheets, the founder of Two Men and a Truck, who has built a successful franchise business, creating opportunities for hundreds of people to own their own business.
You are powerful! Just own it.
As business leaders, your power can be used to create jobs, to facilitate teamwork, to inspire, to foster creativity, to improve your communities. You have the power to help your employees learn and grow, to discover their talents and pursue their dreams. You have the power to influence others, to lead others to achieve what they might not accomplish otherwise.
If you’re a woman who takes business seriously, you have to take yourself seriously as well (but not too seriously!). That means learning that power isn’t bad — abuse of power is bad.
It’s quite an honor to be the alpha mare. Embrace your power and use it for the greater good.
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