Category Archives: Podcasts

How to Rewrite the Stories that Keep You Stuck

Welcome to the Alpha Mare Academy, a collection of courses to make you the best business owner you can be.

Our “stories” are the beliefs we hold about ourselves, other people, the world around us, our relationships and the way we interact with others.

Sometimes our stories are positive and affirming, but more often than not they hold self-limiting beliefs that hold us back and cause us to play small.

Rewriting your stories will help you find the freedom to discover and embrace your full potential.

If you want to discover more about who you are, and strengthen yourself from the inside out, I hope you’ll join me for our new webinar series.  You’ll strengthen yourself from the inside out and get tools that will help you the rest of your life.

 

Create a Better Life for You & Yours

Create A Better Life for You & Yours

Our Alpha Mare Academy is a collection of e-courses and podcasts, designed to help you become the best business owner you can be!

If you like what you hear, and want to go deeper — discover more about your true purpose, clarify your plans and dreams and embrace your full potential, check out our e-course, The Alpha Mare: Embrace the Grace of Power.

In case you prefer to read, here’s the transcript:

Hi I’m Darcie Harris, and I want to personally welcome you to The Alpha Mare Academy

I’ve worked exclusively with female business owners since 1999

I’ve seen how hungry they are for the knowledge and tools they need to be successful and live the lives they want.

I know how much they want to grow themselves and grow their businesses.

That’s why we launched the Alpha Mare Academy.

We call it The Alpha Mare Academy because much of what I learned about myself and being leader came from my experience with horses.

In every herd of horses, there is one horse recognized to be in charge.

That horse is always a mare!

It’s a great responsibility to be The Alpha Mare

It’s her duty to tend to the safety and well-being of the entire herd.

The other horses look to her for leadership, boundaries and wise choices.

The Alpha Mare is self-assured, strong, and confident.

She leads with grounded, authentic power.

That sounds a lot like what it takes so be a business owner, doesn’t it!

It takes courage to be an entrepreneur, so The Alpha Mare Academy is all about strengthening YOU.

Teaching you the skills, providing you the tools, and most important, helping you grow yourself. Since you’re listening to this, I can already tell that you are a woman who wants to learn and grow, so let’s get started.

You’re listening to CREATE A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU AND YOURS

Have you ever seen the movie Shirley Valentine?

Pauline Collins plays Shirley, a middle-aged Liverpool housewife, who finds herself talking to the wall while she prepares her husband’s dinner, wondering what happened to her life.

One of my favorite lines from the movie is when Shirley looks directly into the camera, as if she were talking directly to you, and says, “You know, we don’t really do what we want in life. We do what we have to do, and we say it’s what we want.”

Wow, what a powerful “aha moment” Shirley had.

Shirley, of course, is a fictional character, but Gloria Steinem said something similar in her autobiography, Moving Beyond Words. She said, “…I’d been responding to outside emergencies for so long that I’d lost what little I had of the muscle that allows us to act instead of react…”

Both women, real and fictional, speak to the harsh reality of living on auto-pilot.

What’s interesting to me is the contrast in their lives of both “too little” and “too much.”  While Shirley was bored and living in a world that grew smaller and more shallow each day, Gloria’s life was full and expansive — yet the demands left her burned out and fragmented.

There are consequences to not living intentionally.

That’s why today we’re talking about how to create a Personal Vision for your life. This Personal Vision will become like a compass that guides you, helps you choose your direction and stay on course.

Imagine that you’re going to take a trip. What the first thing you do? You choose where you want to go, right? You don’t just go to the airport and see which flights are leaving.

So if I’m planning a trip, I have to be aware of what kind of experience I want. Do I want to veg out at the beach for a week, fall asleep in a lounge chair in the sun reading a book? Or on this trip, do I want to explore an exotic city and learn something about a new culture? Maybe I’d like an outdoors-type trip, with hiking, horseback riding, white water rafting.

Actually, each of those trips sounds like fun to me. But if your life works like mine, I’m not able to go everywhere I want, so that means having to make choices, to prioritize. So I have sort of a mental list of the top five places I’d like to visit. Then, if a friend calls and say, hey, would you like to go to camping in Wyoming this fall, I can quickly scan my top five travel wish list and see that, no…camping in Wyoming is not on that list. Now I could still go, but that might mean that the resources of time and money can’t be devoted to Cape Cod that year because I’ve spent those resources on camping in Wyoming.

Everything else about your trip flows out of your decision about your destination. The route you take, whether you fly or drive, how long you plan to be away, the kinds of clothes you take — all these choices will depend on where you want to go. How would you know whether to pack shorts and tank tops or turtlenecks and fur lined gloves if you didn’t know your ultimate destination?

There is no right or wrong decision. The point is, you get to choose your destination. You get to choose your experience. You get to choose based on your own curiosity, your own inner longing, your own idea of fun, relaxation or adventure.

That’s the point of having a personal vision. You are imagining, creating and choosing your ultimate destination.

Creating a personal vision is your opportunity to dream, to consider all the possibilities, to think big. If you have a personal vision, you prevent the possibility of simply living on auto pilot, then waking up one day and realizing there were things you wanted to do, places you wanted to see, people you wanted to know and experiences you want to have…but it’s too late.

The important part of your personal vision is not the final vision. The important part is listening to yourself. The important part is being intentional. The important part is being aspirational.

Let’s take that vacation metaphor a little farther, just to make a point. Imagine a friend invites you to take a trip with her. You have no input in the planning and when you arrive you discover that you’re saying at charming little bed and breakfast in the mountains. But what you would really enjoy is a luxury resort with a spa, a pool. My point is, if you don’t choose, you may get something considerably different than what you hoped for.

Over the last five, maybe ten years, there has been much published and been quite a bit of talk about visioning – about dreaming big dreams. I love the idea of dreaming and thinking big. I love it for myself and I love seeing other women really explore their full potential.

I also think in this time of consciousness about vision, there is a wave of what I might call new-age thinking – oversimplified ideas that make it sound as though all you have to do is put a thought into the universe and something will happen.

I call that magical thinking. And I’ve seen people become very disappointed, very disillusioned when they “put their thoughts into the universe” and…nothing happened. So while I don’t want to burst any bubbles here, I do think that achieving your vision takes a bit more than just putting the thought into the universe. Some people work very hard at it, others sacrifice quite a lot. It depends on what your vision is.

When we start talking about a vision, part of the fun is thinking big, really dreaming big dreams. But let’s differentiate those big dreams from what I would call an escape fantasy. I have escape fantasies too! When life gets too demanding, too many deadlines, too much too do for too long, I always think that I’d like to live at the beach. Of course, there’s no stress at the beach! But when push comes to shove, I realize that I want to live right where I am, I’d just like to be better at avoiding those times when all my deadlines collide.

In his book Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert say that research shows that we not only have trouble foreseeing future events but we have more trouble foreseeing how we will feel about them when they happen.

So it’s difficult to accurately predict what our IDEAL life would look like, because we may never have experienced anything close to it, so how do we really know we’d like it?

For example, I have a friend who wanted to be a nurse from childhood on, but ended up doing HR and being a comptroller. At age 57 she decided to act on her dream, her vision. She sold everything — her house and most of her furnishings — so that she could quit her job and go to nursing school. She studied hard for two years. Believe me, it wasn’t easy memorizing pharmacology terms and anatomy at age 57, but did it. She graduated and went to work for a hospital. And you know what? It turns out she hated nursing. More accurately, she enjoyed nursing but hated the bureaucracy of the medical systems.

It turns out that she’d knew so little about what nursing was really liked that her dream, her vision was not very realistic. So she accomplished her dream but in the end it really wasn’t what she was looking for.

Some of us don’t really know what our dream is … there are too many choices.

That’s why it’s important to go deep, not to be misled or fooled by surface desires.

I also think there’s a difference between having a vision for maybe ten, fifteen or twenty years in the future and having a vision for what we’d really like our lives to look like, feel like and live like in the near future. Those are two very different visions.

So for this visioning exercise, instead of asking you, “picture your ideal life,” or “what is my dream life?” – which may lead you to a very false or unrealistic picture, I’m going to start with a simple question.

What does a better life for you and yours look like?

I think asking the question this way gives us an opportunity to aspire, to dream and still be grounded in reality.

I like using a 4-step process for getting to your Personal Vision. I’m going to walk you through the four steps right now, TO OUTLINE THE PROCESS, then I’ll go over them in more detail.

So right now, whether you are listening at your desk, in your care, walking the dog, maybe waiting at the airport, just ask yourself:

  1. What does a better life look like for me and my loved ones?
  2. Then, just take the first thought that comes to mind and turn that into a picture – not an abstract thought but a picture. For example, if you said, “More money” that means different things to different people. Does that mean you need to replace an aging car? If so, picture your new car. Does it mean that you want a bigger house? If so, picture the type of house you dream of. Or does it mean peace of mind about your retirement? If so, picture your IRA statement with the balance you’d like to see!
  3. Now that you have that picture, get a picture in your mind of where you are in the present, so to follow the examples I just used, picture your current car, your current house or your current IRA balance.
  4. Then get a visual picture in mind of what moving forward from the present to the future looks like. What action do you need to take? What do you need to do? Is there something you need to learn? Does it mean getting more new clients? Would you need to hire someone to supplement your skills? What will move you forward from your current reality to your desired vision?

So that’s a quick overview of how the FOUR STEPS TO CREATING A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU AND YOURS works. Of course, you’ll want to spend some time really reflecting on your personal vision. So let’s go through this in more detail.

1) Let yourself be in a reflective space, a place where you have some time to think and create, a place where you are uninterrupted…ask yourself, What does a better life look like for me and my loved ones?  Don’t force this…you need to be in the right frame of mind and it can’t be contrived.

For me, that “open space” happens at unexpected times…in the shower, driving, and especially on a plane.  That’s perfectly fine, just keep notes about what you think during those times.

Maybe I’m just oppositional, but if I try to MAKE it happen, what comes out is stiff and contrived.

2) As you imagine what “a better life” looks like for you, convert your thoughts into a picture. We want to go from some abstract, intellectual thought process to a very real, tangible image.

WHY ARE THE IMAGES MORE IMPORTANT THAN WORDS? Creating a mental picture helps you get specific. So, if your first thought about a better life was “less stress,” then take that another step and say “what does less stress look like?” Does that mean I spend more time relaxing, reading, watching a movie, enjoying friends? Get an actual picture in your mind.

Perhaps part of your “better life” includes a vacation home somewhere. Get an actual visual image in mind. Be as specific as possible.

Concrete images are less abstract than words, and that makes them more real and makes them easier to remember.

For example, if I asked you, “remember the definition of justice” and “remember the house you grew up in” which memory would be easiest to retrieve?

3) As these images come to you, create a story board. Now I hesitate to say this, because I can just imagine you thinking, “Yeah, right, in my spare time I’m going to do something equivalent to a 6th grade art project!”

This isn’t meant to be stressful, so just be easy on yourself.  You can collect pictures from anywhere. It’s especially easy to do this online.  Or if you read magazines, you can notice them in magazines.  If you’re good at sketching, just sketch out your image that represents your desire. It’s up to you.  Collect your images in a file or a folder, either an electronic folder for photos.

What I’ve done for my storyboard is very simple. I used my iPad. You can copy any image on your iPad or tablet to a photo folder specifically for your Personal Vision –that’s all it takes, just have those visual images where you can look at them.  Ultimately you’ll want an actual story board. Or do it the old fashioned way and put them up on your refrigerator with kitchen magnets. Do whatever feels best to you.  What we’re getting at is I want you to be able to see those images on a regular basis.

4) What I’d like you to end up with is a visual image for

  • Your ideal dream
  • What current reality is now
  • What making progress looks like

For example, if your dream vision includes a beach house, find a photo of one in a magazine or online.  Then snap a quick photo of your current home.  Then look for a photo of something that represents moving toward your dream house.

During the time you are reflecting on the question, “What does a better life look like for you and yours?” here are a few areas to consider. It’s easy to focus just on the material, because that IS more concrete, but for your vision to be inspiring, you’ll find that the key to a more rewarding life is going beyond the material. Give some thought to each of these areas:

  • Business or Professional life…how many hours a week do you want to work? Do you want to include less business travel or more? What monthly income do you want? What are the sources of that income? What staff do you want?
  • Financial or Material things…what would you like to own that brings a better life for you? Would you like a college fund for your children, and if so, how much? What amount do you want in your retirement fund? Do you want to own rental property, and if so, how many? What is your vision for being debt free?
  • Relationships…describe what you want your relationships to look like. Describe your friendships. Do you have a partner or spouse, and what would ;you like that relationship to look like?
  • Lifestyle & Recreation…how much travel would you like? Where would you like to go? What do you want for relaxation, fun or recreation? Do you enjoy having friends over for dinner? Do you like to attend educational or intellectual events, like book clubs or hearing speakers or authors?
  • Community…What type of community involvement do you want? Would you like to be politically active? Do you have a favorite volunteer or service project?
  • Spiritual Needs…what keeps you grounded to your values? Do you want a relationship with a church or religious institution? Do you desire a regular or daily meditation or prayer time?

I really do want you to be easy with yourself in this process. I’ve done exercises like this before and been given a handout with a circle divided into equal pieces, like slicing up a pie. Each portion was identical in size and each portion was labeled supposed to represent a specific area of my life.

I found myself very resistant to that. I understand that most of us want some type of balance in our lives, but I think when we start prescribing for others that their lives should fit into neat little boxes, it makes them feel imperfect or inadequate because real life is much more uneven and bumpy. Maybe right now your business is taking up a disproportionate space in our life. Or maybe you have young children who take a disproportionate amount of your time. Please, please, do not beat yourself up for this. You may want to adjust and tweak, but let’s be real.

This is real life, not some idealized version.

ACTION So now you have a sense of your Personal Vision. Keep your storyboard where you can see it regularly and use it to help you make decisions.

Every single day brings choices about how we spend our time and our money. When you have your vision outlined, begin each day with the question, “How is what I am doing today moving me toward my vision?”

Some things you are doing simply won’t fit.

At this stage — where you take action to move in the direction of your dreams — you need to be very aware of any stories you may have in your head that could keep you from achieving your vision. A story is similar to a belief – it’s something running the background – something you may not be conscious of — a story or a belief — about the kind of person you are…

For example, you might be a person who believes it is important to be on time. Somewhere in your subconscious, you have a story (a belief) that says, “I’m the kind of person who is on time.” Conversely, if you’re a person who is frequently late, you have in your subconscious a story that says, “I’m the kind of person who is always late.” Stories can work either for or against us.

As you work with your Personal Vision statement, when you create the vision of what you want, you have to have a corresponding process that allows you to change the story in your head that say, “I’m the kind of person who can do this…”

For example, if your vision is to make $250,000 a year… do you have a story somewhere that would run counter to that? If you do, that would sabotage you, without you really knowing it. You have to change that story. (Just a side note here…to learn more about the stories in your life, look on our website for the series called The Alpha Mare: Embrace the Grace of your Power.)

Revisit your vision regularly and adjust it as your desire and priorities change.

Life is dynamic, not static. Life changes. Desires and tastes change. Our families change. Your vision may shift and change over the course of your life. So our vision needs to change and adapt too.

What matters is whether you are listening to your own that the inner voice, your own inner longing, or to the voices of others, to the voices of society, convention or family expectations.

I hope that your Personal Vision ENERGIZES and inspires you. I hope it lifts your thoughts, your spirits and your aspirations. Most of all, I hope it helps you create a meaningful life that brings YOU happiness.

As we close, know that you can always count on The Alpha Mare Academy for resources to feed your mind and your spirit. We’re here to help you think big and learn. We’re here to help you go deeper, and embrace the grace of your gifts and your power so that you can achieve your full potential. So please visit us again at ALPHAMAREACADEMY.COM. And know that I am wishing you the best as you pursue your version of success!

Lighten the Weight of Stress & Guilt

Listen to the podcast now:

Lighten the Weight of Stress & Guilt

Welcome to our Alpha Mare Academy, a collection of courses to make you the best business owner you can be.

If you want to discover more about who you are, and clarify your plans and dreams, I hope you’ll join me for our webinar series.


In case you prefer to read, here’s the transcript:

Hi I’m Darcie Harris, and I want to personally welcome you to The Alpha Mare Academy

I’ve worked exclusively with female business owners since 1999

I’ve seen how hungry they are for the knowledge and tools they need to be successful and live the lives they want.

I know how much they want to grow themselves and grow their businesses.

That’s why we launched the Alpha Mare Academy.

We call it The Alpha Mare Academy because much of what I learned about myself and being leader came from my experience with horses.

In every herd of horses, there is one horse recognized to be in charge.

That horse is always a mare!

It’s a great responsibility to be The Alpha Mare

It’s her duty to tend to the safety and well-being of the entire herd.

The other horses look to her for leadership, boundaries and wise choices.

The Alpha Mare is self-assured, strong, and confident.

She leads with grounded, authentic power.

That sounds a lot like what it takes so be a business owner, doesn’t it!

It takes courage to be an entrepreneur, so The Alpha Mare Academy is all about strengthening YOU.

Teaching you the skills, providing you the tools, and most important, helping you grow yourself. Since you’re listening to this, I can already tell that you are a woman who wants to learn and grow, so let’s get started.

You’re listening to LIGHTEN THE WEIGHT OF STRESS AND GUILT.

From working with hundreds of women business owners, it looks to me like stress and guilt are the most constant companions of women business owners (that’s second only to cell phones and e-mail). We accept them as inevitable occupational hazards that come with the territory of owning a business, having responsibility, meeting deadlines and fulfilling our obligation

One woman’s situation really touched my heart. A young woman reached out to me to inquire about joining one of our peer advisory groups. She’d known about EWF for several years and initially said it wasn’t the right time. Now things were different. Now she was pregnant. Her business was really demanding. She ran a doggie day care and was open 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Her typical work week was about 70 hours. She rarely had a day off and the business was very dependent on her. Now she was wondering how in the world she would carve out time to be a good mother, as well as a good business owner. Her stress level was off the chart.

But it’s not just young women with children who endure stress and guilt. Another woman I know struggled daily with the stress of running a family business with her two brothers in a very male dominated industry. As if that weren’t enough, at the same time she was caring for her elderly father-in-law. He suffered from dementia and lived with her and her husband. He couldn’t be left alone, so she juggled her work hours around hired nursing and companion care for him.

Another client has no children, healthy parents. Sounds like a breeze compared to the first two examples. But she was in an industry that was going through tremendous changes, and had a Merger opportunity. That meant decisions stacked up one after another, like a line of dominos. She decided to do it, then faced challenges of integrating two firms, two cultures, two locations.

I could recite story after story. And you have your own as well. Stress and guilt are our constant companions.

I read a survey of female entrepreneurs recently. When asked about their biggest challenges: 70 % of women revealed that their biggest challenge is managing the demands of both home and work.  That percentage was even higher for younger women — 83% — and we can assume that has to do with having younger children at home

The challenge that ranked second highest for the women surveyed — was “being able to convince others that their business would succeed.  42% of respondents ranked this as one of their biggest challenges.

Let’ just acknowledge that stress and guilt are the occupational hazards of women business owners.

Most of the time, when we read about stress, the recommendations include things like:

  • Delegating more
  • Improving time management
  • Taking small breaks
  • Deep breathing

Those are all valid, but I think they deal with the problem on the surface, deal only with the symptoms. I’d like to take you beyond the typical conversations about stress & guilt. My hope is to go deeper, to give you a new perspective.

We can better understand the relationship between stress and guilt by digging into a little psychology here. The facts that we can learn from Psychologists are:

  • It’s easier for us to feel stressed than feel guilty.
  • It’s easier for us to feel guilty than to feel angry.
  • We feel guilty when we have violated our own “rules for living” or our own value system. (A little aside, here… guilt is not entirely bad. – it’s our living, breathing conscience.)  However, for something to change, we either need to re-examine our “rules” or change our behavior.

Here’s how this cycle works:

  • Feeling guilty feels worse than feeling stressed,
  • To avoid feeling guilty, we take on too much. We don’t say no, we don’t set limits, we don’t ask for help, we assume things are our responsibility
  • Now we feel stress
  • But this becomes unsustainable, because we simply can’t do it all, can’t be everywhere or do everything
  • Sooner or later, we drop the ball, don’t follow through or fall behind.
  • Eventually the guilt creeps in.
  • We feel guilty because that feels better than feeling angry at the forces in our professional or personal lives that are making our lives so difficult. (we’re going to come back to the anger, but let’s start with guilt and stress)

To understand this cycle between guilt and stress, we need to understand the relationship between feelings and thought and beliefs.

Generally, women are feeling oriented (though some more than others; we’re not all identical in this regard). And because we believe feelings are important, we tend to think that feelings are where things start.

Something happens, we have a feeling. We hear or see something, we have a feeling. We also tend to believe that we feel what we feel – no matter what — as though we can’t help it. But that’s not accurate.

  • What we feel is a result of what we think and
  • What we think is a result of what we believe

It’s hard enough to identify how we feel at all times. So it’s very easy to skip over these two steps. They happen mostly outside of our conscious awareness

To break out of the cycle of guilt and stress, we have to do two things:

  1. We need to become conscious about what we are thinking about what we believe, because that’s what determines our feelings.
  2. We have to know that we have choices – these thoughts and feelings are not outside of our control.

We have choices about:

  • What we think
  • What we believe
  • What we do and not do
  • And about how we feel

It’s all about going deeper. It’s a bit like peeling the layers off an onion to ask ourselves what we think and what we believe.

I’ll give you an example from my own life. It’s pretty benign, but I think it will give you a road map for how to peel off the layers.

Because of the work I do, a colleague suggested that I join a couple of groups on LinkedIn – so I did.  Okay, it was more than a couple – it was a few. One for writers, one for professional speakers, another related to female entrepreneurs, and so on. The purpose of joining these groups is to interact with others, to make connections, and hopefully to learn something.

Now I receive an email notification when any group member posts to the group. The first few days it was novel to get those emails. After reading a few of them, I didn’t see much value, but thought, well, sooner or later there will be something interesting. I only read them occasionally, but after a couple of weeks, I just stopped reading them altogether. But I still had good intentions, so I would save them in a sub-folder called: “To Read.” After another couple of weeks, I realized I hadn’t read any of them, and my inbox would get overloaded, so I just started deleting them instead of saving them.

Here’s what interesting…

Every day when I see those emails hit my inbox, I feel stressed. I get that feeling that we all know so well – of being overwhelmed – the feeling that I just can’t keep up. I get that sinking feeling that comes with the thought, “when am I going to have time to read this?”

And then, because I respect the colleague that suggested these groups, I began to feel guilty, as if I were ignoring something valuable, as if I weren’t heeding good business advice.

So now, every day I feel BOTH stressed AND guilty because my inner talk is, “I can’t keep up” and “I’m not behaving professionally.”

Let’s tease this apart, let’s peel off the layers.

  • My feelings come from what I think, and my thoughts come from what I believe.
  • I think that subscribing to these groups is necessary because I believe that this is an important part of my profession.
  • It’s already very obvious to YOU that I could eliminate a considerable amount of stress and guilt by simply unsubscribing, right?
  • But to do that, I have to change my thoughts and to change my thoughts I have to change my beliefs.

I have a second option – I can make a different choice.

  • I can choose to believe that in my value system, being an active member of these LinkedIn groups is an important part of my business life.
  • If that’s the case, to eliminate the guilt and stress, I need to deliberately give them a higher priority.
  • I need to change my behavior and read, write and respond to these group postings
  • If I believe that they are valuable, I need to make my behavior congruent with my belief.

That’s a second option. But no matter which choice I make, I have to change my behavior and make it consistent with my beliefs, or I’ll continue to feel stress and guilt. The only way to eliminate the stress & guilt is to change my behavior.

As you can see, there’s no right or wrong here. I might make one choice, another persona might choose the other way.So here is the change I’m going to make:

  • I no longer believe that getting a daily email from five different LinkedIn groups is a valuable part of my professional life.
  • And because that’s what I believe, I now think these subscriptions are unnecessary.
  • So as soon as I finish recording this session, I’m going to change my behavior and unsubscribe.
  • And I’m going to do that without feeling guilty!

So this is a pretty benign example, — not nearly as compelling as some of the choices women have to make about work and family — but I hope you can see this as an example about the choices you have available to you. I hope you can see this as an example of how feelings of stress and guilt can change, only when we change our thoughts and beliefs.

Sometimes, we just have to stop and tease things apart. We have to go deeper.

One of my favorite authors is Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger and a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic. Most important is that she is an internationally acclaimed expert on the psychology of women.

Dr. Lerner takes the cycle of women’s stress and guilt a bit deeper and explores the relationship to anger. Dr. Lerner believes that our society encourages [women] mothers to cultivate guilt because guilt is so effective at blocking the awareness and expression of legitimate anger.

“Guilt keeps women narrowly focused on the question ‘what’s wrong with me’ and prevents us from becoming effective agents of personal and social change. If you are feeling guilty, you are unlikely to challenge the forces in your marriage or work setting that is making your job at home so much more difficult. Women are especially vulnerable to ignoring our own strong inner voice when it conflicts with the voice of authority. And we may take the voice of authority all too seriously to begin with.”

So now, we have another layer to explore. The survey statistics may shed some light on this. Over 60% of the women surveyed spend 6 or more hours a week on housework What % of men do you think spent an equal time on housework? Just 24% of men spending 6 or more hours a week on housework So the issue of domestic inequality still remains. And this inequality means we need to do some close examination of our beliefs, and then take the risk of addressing the situation, maybe having a few difficult conversations.

This underlying layer of anger isn’t just triggered by housework and childcare. Women business owners often tolerate poor performance in employees, for the same reasons: they want to avoid feeling irritated or angry, or simply because they want to be liked.

I’ve seen women nearly held hostage by under-performing employees because they were unable to express their expectations, and unwilling to address unacceptable behavior. The women business owners were more willing to endure the stress, and consequently the guilt, of not being able to keep up, because that was more tolerable than acknowledging they felt something in the “family” of anger – irritation, annoyance, frustration, exasperation,

To acknowledge those feelings would lead them closer to confronting the issue, and that’s what we avoid.

Now we have a fuller picture of the vicious cycle of stress and guilt.

  • We avoid feeling angry by feeling guilty — in essence, our inner talk is “what’s wrong with me?”
  • We avoid feeling guilty by feeling stressed – in essence, our inner talk is “I can do it all”
  • We feel stressed when we avoid being conscious about our thoughts and our beliefs

Now it’s your turn. Now that we have some background, and a foundation for change, what I’d like you to do is take a few moments and think of one or two things that are causing you stress, or causing you guilt.

It doesn’t have to be a major problem. In fact, it’s easier to practice the steps of peeling off the layers if you deal with something that is not too threatening. Think of it like exercising a muscle that will get stronger over time. Take a small step first, and build up some strength. Remember, we have two steps here:

  • Become conscious about what you think and believe
  • Know that you have a choice

Get one example in mind, and let’s break that down. Once you have something in mind that is :causing you stress or guilt, think about your inner talk. Ask yourself:

  • When I have this feeling of stress or guilt, what is the thought behind it?
  • When you can clarify that thought, ask yourself, what is my belief that leads to this thought?

Now you have awareness, consciousness and can make some choices.

  • Do you want to change the thought?
  • If so, what belief needs to change?
  • If you want to keep your belief, what behavior needs to change, so that your behavior can be congruent with your beliefs?

Practice this process with small things that cause you stress first, and take some time to make it second nature before you tackle the big things. The most helpful thing you can do for yourself is Notice what’s causing you stress. Notice what’s causing you to feel guilty. Then bring awareness and consciousness to that information.

You are not a victim of your situation. You are in control. Yes you have demanding busy life. You have many choices to make, and some of them will be difficult choices.

If you’re caught in this cycle of stress and guilt, here are a few things to remember:

  1. Other people can’t make us feel guilty. That’s a decision we make ourselves.
  2. Avoid blaming yourself. That’s just adding insult to injury. Your purpose is to explore, not to beat yourself up.
  3. When we feel stress or guilt, instead of thinking that getting a massage or taking a short vacation will ease those feelings, go deeper. Nothing wrong with a massage or a few days off, but those treat symptoms, not the underlying problem.
  4. Ask yourself, what are my thoughts and what are my beliefs?
  5. Once you question your thoughts and beliefs, you have the option of changing them.
  6. Remember that you do have choices about what you think, what you believe and what you feel.
  7. Guilt is useless emotion. Don’t waste energy on it. If you feel bad, guilty, and you have violated your own beliefs or values, change your behavior or change your beliefs

 

You can make a commitment to work toward ending this cycle by asking yourself “at this time of my life …”

  • How might I be staying busy [stressed] to avoid feeling guilty?
  • How might I be feeling guilty to avoid anger?
  • What “rules for living” or value system am I living by?
  • Of these, which is causing the most pain?
  • Which of these rules do I want or need to re-examine?
  • Am I tolerating unacceptable or inequitable behavior, either in my business or at home?
  • What conversations do I need to have to move forward?

As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Change your thoughts, change your life.”

As we close, know that you can always count on The Alpha Mare Academy for resources to feed your mind and your spirit. We’re here to help you think big and learn. We’re here to help you go deeper, and embrace the grace of your power, so that you can achieve your full potential. So please visit us again at ALPHAMAREACADEMY.COM. And know that I am wishing you the best as you pursue your version of success!

Four Ways to Conquer Self Doubt

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Four Ways to Conquer Self-Doubt

Welcome to the Alpha Mare Academy, a collection of e-courses and podcasts, all designed specifically for women entrepreneurs!

If you want to discover more about who you are, and clarify your plans and dreams, I hope you’ll join me for our e-course series, The Alpha Mare: Embrace the Grace of Power.