This isn’t the list I started with.

On my first list I reached #9 and realized that every single thing was about doing “more.” Well, there’s just no more time or space for more, without moving something out, mentally and physically.

So here’s my revised list. For every “more” I have included I had to decide what I would do less of. It’s time to create some space!

MORE

1) Thinking bigger. I think I created neuropathways in my brain that cause me to travel down the same rutted roads. Time to get off road altogether and explore completely new territory. Breathe in fresh air and explore big possibilities.

2) Expected more. Related to #1. Expect more of myself and expect more from others. Not in a grueling way; maybe it’s more accurate to say expect different. Expect big things.

3) Asked more questions. Related to #1 and #2. I’m a big-picture thinker and I get slightly impatient when people ask me for details. The webs of connections in my brain are about concepts, not specifics. Consequently, I don’t ask others for specifics either. Not good. For example, my car has been in the body shop for three days. Did I ask, when I dropped it off, what day it would be ready? No. Minor detail overlooked. I was busy conceptualizing (probably about how I would come up with the deductible on the insurance claim!).

4) Listened to more music. Here’s a case of technology gone too far. My embarrassingly old CD player held only one CD. When you ask for a 10-disc CD play at an electronics store, they laugh at you. Music is digital now. So I put all my CD’s on iTunes. Now I have to go through seven steps just to play anything. I have to keep a sticky note inside my stereo cabinet to remember these steps. It’s just too much trouble. Hence, not enough music in my world. I’m going back. Once CD at a time is better than no music at all.

5) Planning. 2012 was definitely a year of action. While some planning took place, I like the idea of looking a year ahead and deciding what outcomes I want, then making a list each week of what will move me in that direction.

LESS

1) Perfectioneering. No, that’s not a typo. I just made up that new word. And seeing that red line under it — the clue that it won’t pass muster with my spelling and grammar checker andndash; will grate on me no end. I’m a perfectionist about trying to make things perfect. I’m sure it’s cost me laughter, gray hairs, wasted time and fewer blog posts (they weren’t perfect). Just the fact that I used that word is a step in the right direction.

2) Shopping. I confess, I have more shoes and purses than I’ll ever use! And I justified it all, saying I was doing my part to help the economy!

3) Eating. My excuse is the trip to Argentina, where half the country is Italian and the other half eats beef at every meal. The trend can’t continue into 2013. Enough said.

4) Worrying. I like to think I’m not a worrier. I like to think I’m looking at all the options, considering all the ramifications, all the possibilities. But there’s a tipping point where pondering turns into ruminating, which turns into worrying.

5) Rationalizing. Inventing excuses for all the things I didn’t do enough of (see above!) and inventing imaginary justifications for all the things I did too much of.

2012 has been a good year, one that brought many travels, a few long-anticipated accomplishments and new territory to explore. I wonder what my 2013 will look like when I put this list in motion. I’ll let you know next December!

In the meantime, what’s your reflection on 2012? What do you wish you’d done more of or less of?

Two months ago, when Mary Melon asked me to give a leadership workshop at the Woman of the Year Forum last week, I knew immediately what I wanted to talk about.

“Mary, this is a touchy subject, but sometimes women lose leadership credibility by criticizing other women.” I said. “I think we can address this, but it’s risky.”

“I love it,” Mary said. “I’ve wanted to talk about this for ten years. Let’s do it.”

It’s sad but true. Sometimes women talk trash about other women. Let’s fess up. I’ve done it. You’ve done it.

Someone we know or work with gets ambitious and we say, “She thinks she’s better than us.” A woman shows up looking a little “refreshed” or younger, and the whispers begin. “You think she’s had some work done?”

Last weekend I saw a panel discussion with five female journalists who are covering the 2012 election cycle.  Their conversation turned to how difficult it is for women in politics. Why? Because of the criticism. And that criticism comes from women.

Most of the criticism has nothing to do with the candidates’ policy positions or experience. It’s about their hair, their clothes, their weight. I’ve heard it called “The Three H’s; Hair, Hemlines and Husbands.”

I was especially pained to hear one journalist say that her high school daughter told her, “Mom, girls won’t run for student council offices. They’re afraid other girls will post ugly comments on their Facebook pages.” Comments about who they’re dating, their clothes, their appearance.

Our daughters learned this from us. Ouch!

Gossiping and finding fault with other women causes a deep lack of trust. Nothing is more damaging to our reputation as professional women.

We can do better. We can develop a deeper self awareness of what causes our behavior by learning about the concepts of shadow and projection, developed by Carl Jung.

Our shadow is the part of our unconscious mind that we deny and repress. In simple terms, we reject in others what we reject or can’t accept in ourselves. We see and attribute both negative and positive qualities to others that we can’t acknowledge in ourselves.

Here’s another way to think about it: When another person exhibits behaviors that really annoy or repel us, we either have those same behaviors or qualities and are blind to them, or, we don’t have them and could use a little more of that quality.

The shadow and projection are defense mechanisms. We resort to defense mechanisms when we feel scared, hurt, vulnerable, jealous or threatened in any way.

So when someone really pushes our buttons we know we are seeing at least part of our shadow.

Once we recognize that what irritates us in others has more to do with US than THEM, we’ll stop talking badly about each other. We can learn to intercept that process early and often andndash; before we let those damaging little comments slip out of our mouths. Here’s how:

• Think of a woman that annoys you (it might be me right now!). What behaviors or traits does she have that you find annoying or irritating?
• Look deepandhellip;can you find similar andndash; or opposite andndash; characteristics any place in yourself? Or can you see that you might have “disowned” those traits?
• How can you grow by accepting or integrating this rejected part of yourself? By healing what caused you to reject that part of yourself?

Once you look a little deeper and embrace what you have disowned, you’ll find your anger, irritation or resentment diminishes. You may never be “best friends forever” with this women, but you’ll be able to detach emotionally and not let her get under your skin. You may even find compassion for her.

Understanding and embracing our shadow can help reduce or remove the urge to find fault with other women. If we’re finding fault with them, we’re REALLY finding fault with ourselves.

When you feel yourself about to gossip, criticize or find fault with another woman, use these four simple steps:

• Mind your tongue andndash; don’t say a word
• Ask yourself, “What behaviors, attitudes, or qualities irritate me?”
• Reflect deeply & find similar or opposite traits in yourself
• Embrace what you have disowned

I appreciated Mary’s courage to address this touchy topic with the best and the brightest women.

Please join us in a commitment to be good role models for our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters by putting an end to gossip and finding fault with other women.

The world needs all the passion, power and goodness in you. I hope you’ll embrace that passion and use it to affirm, support and encourage other women.

This might be an overstatement, but I’m guessing that the only industry with a worse approval rating than Congress right now is the airline industry.

My recent experience with airline customer service left a lot to be desired andndash; like anti-anxiety meds. Being a lemons-to-lemonade person, I resolved to turn this into a learning experience.

So join me on a journey (saga?) to learn five customer service lessons that the airlines have not yet mastered.

Back in April, I made airline reservations for an EWF International women’s retreat — ten members, traveling in September. The airline I used shall remain nameless. They are currently in bankruptcy (now I know why).

Two months later, I received the dreaded email, “Your itinerary has changed.” It’s bad enough to get one of those emails when it’s just YOU traveling, but when you know it’s going to affect eleven other busy womenandhellip;my stomach turned before opening it.

That’s when the nightmare began.

“Our schedule has changed, and it impacts your upcoming trip. Please review the itinerary below for your flight numbers, departure and arrival times, and seat assignments. We have bolded the changes. We look forward to seeing you onboard soon.”

It was nice of them to put the changes in bold, don’t you think?

But something was missing. Not one hint of an apology, or even an acknowledgement of the inconvenience this might cause.

• LESSON ONE: Apologize. If something you or your company did caused an inconvenience to your customer, take responsibility and say you’re sorry. The world is not a perfect place. Things change. Things go wrong. We can’t control the universe (darn!). But we can say “I’m sorry.”

The change was significant. Our layover on our return flight changed from fifty minutes to three and a half hours. That put our arrival time home at 11:15 p.m. On a weeknight. I was going to have unhappy travelers.

I called the airline to see what they could do.

The recorded voice mail began, “Did you know that you can get [most of your stupid questions] answered on our website? Please go to www.namelessairline.com. (Pauseandhellip;they’re hoping I’m going to hang up now.) If you are a frequent flyer, press one. If not, press two. If you are calling about existing reservation, press three. If you are calling about new reservations, press four. If you are calling about reservations in the continental US, press six.” And on and on.

I went through five layers of voice mail before I got a real person.

• LESSON TWO: Have a real live person answer the phone, all the time. Nothing says, “We really don’t want to hear your voice” more than an automated answering system.

I pressed the “customer care” option and now I’m on the phone with a human being. Sort of.

I explained that I was the coordinator for ten women traveling together. I explained that this group had made their decision about where to take this retreat in large part based on the flight schedules andndash; departure, arrival and layover times. I explained that there were ten female business owners who were going to be pretty unhappy customers of theirs.

“Can you please put us on another flight?”

“No, we don’t have another flight.”

“Can you please put us on another airline?”

“No, we don’t do that.”

“Then can you at least refund a portion of their ticket cost, since now the same flight that we paid $750 for is selling for $459?”

“We can’t do that! If we did that for you, all of our customers would want refunds, and we’d lose money.”

“Then can you please put me through to a supervisor.”

“Sure. But she’s going to tell you exactly what I told you, so you’re just wasting your time. I’ve worked for this company for twenty years and they do this all the time. They don’t listen to me or anybody else.”

I’m serious, that’s exactly what she said.

• LESSON THREE: Service is about experiencing the situation from the customer’s point of view, not from the company’s point of view. Every employee who has direct customer contact should be trained to think, “How does this company need to look and act in the way the customer needs it to look and act.”

I spent ten minutes on hold, waiting for a supervisor.

After three frustrating conversations with three supervisors in three locations representing three departments, one supervisor finally took pity on me and agreed that this was a bad situation.

She offered to send each woman a $200 credit voucher to use on another trip, and (perhaps more important) agreed to send each woman a pass to their private lounge to ease the blow of our three-hour layover.

I had now been on the phone over two and a half hours.

Fast forward six weeks. I still hadn’t received the travel vouchers or the lounge passes.

I called three more times, plowing through layers of voice mail each time, trying to reach the right person.

On that day I talked with Kay, Hal, Julia, Lindsey, John and Darcelle — six different people andndash; asking them to find out why I hadn’t received the vouchers and passes. Two of them openly said they didn’t believe that any supervisor would have approved the “benefits” I’d been given. Hal hung up on me(yes, I was frustrated, no I wasn’t screaming obscenities, though I admit I was tempted!).

That day I spent over three hours on the phone.

• LESSON FOUR: Honor your promises. Document what you agreed to do and follow through right away. If the customer took the time out of their busy day to contact you, then don’t let them down again. Don’t add salt to the wound.

That was two weeks ago. I received the credit vouchers via email that day. I still haven’t received the lounge passes.

No, I won’t call back. I’ll just buy my clients a drink during our layover and celebrate life’s imperfections.

• LESSON FIVE: Have a clearly defined escalation process. Train front line people to handle the majority of situations. But if the decision is outside of their level of authority, have them escalate the problem to one person with the authority to do whatever is necessary to make this a happy customer. And give the customer that supervisor’s direct line, just in case they do need to call back.

Customers are the reason we’re in business. They are our livelihood. They pay our employees. They pay our utility bills. We exist for one reason: to fill an unsatisfied need for our customers.

Let’s be good at that!

andcopy; Darcie Harris, 2012

A TALE OF TWO WORKPLACES

A friend of mine works in a medical office. The entire staff is female, the doctor is male.

One co-worker is a passive aggressive martyr who alternately brings people special gifts, then goes unresponsive, withholds information, and does sneaky things. Another co-worker complains regularly because she feels unappreciated, has frequent emotional meltdowns, shares intimate details about her personal life, and obsessively focuses on little issues, like which coffee filters they use.

Not a fun place to work.

In contrast, I know a female business owner with a work force that’s 85% female. Their teamwork has allowed them to be successful through both up & down markets. When the workload is heavy, they all rise to the occasion. They have an incredible retention rate; many employees have worked there over 20 years and many have relatives or friends who work together. They are seen as leaders in their industry. And their entire leadership team is not only female, they are related!

What’s the difference?

We’re all familiar with the horribly negative stereotypes about women working with women. We hear about women not getting along at work and we roll our eyes and say, “Too much estrogenandhellip;what else can you expect?”

GENDER DIFFERENCES

Newsflash: women are different than men, and behave differently in workplace than men.

Research shows that female brains are wired to empathize while male brains are designed to understand & build systems. Studies of children show that girls are more likely to seek consensus & be more concerned with fairness rather than competition and that take turns 20 times more often than boys.

The relationshipandmdash;not winningandmdash;is the goal.

While men’s self esteem is typically derived more from their ability to maintain independence, women’s self esteem is maintained more from ability to sustain intimate relationships.

In total: women have a greater awareness of emotional climate, are more relationship driven & have communication, connection, & responsiveness as primary values, as opposed to competition, winning.

EXPECTATIONS AND ASSUMPTIONS

Those are all great qualities and, when used appropriately, contribute to women’s success in management.

But strengths overused become weaknesses and work against us.

When we expect these wonderful relationship qualities that are intended for friends & family to carry into the workplace, we create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. At some point, we have to be about the work, not just the feelings, not just the relationship.

To get past the negative stereotypes, we have to change our expectations.

What I see at the core of the negative stereotypes is not women working with women. It’s about people working with people. Imperfect human beings working with other imperfect human beings.

We’re all different.

We have different needs, different communication styles, different life experiences and different hot buttons.

So why do we look at these situations & see them as being about women?

We’re quick to assume that the issue is womenandmdash;too much estrogen–when we haven’t looked deeply enough at the problem.

IT’S ABOUT LEADERSHIP

The problems in the first workplace I described are not the result of women working with women.

They are the result of a workplace with several emotionally unhealthy employees & a very weak leader who won’t address problems. He sets no limits, will not coach or correct employees with no consequences for bad behavior, or accountability.

The problem is flawed leadership, not too much estrogen.

The second situation I described is about a workplace with a very capable woman as president who has worked hard to become a great leader. She invested in coaching for female leaders. She has a management system designed to address problems, and a commitment to coach, train and develop people. There are clear goals, expectations, consequences and accountability.

Surely we can all agree to stop perpetuating the negative stereotype by making oversimplified assumptions that workplace problems are a result of women working with women.

We can also make sure we are not acting out any of those unfortunate behaviors ourselves or acting in a way that perpetuates the problem.

Let’s commit ourselves to improve our leadership abilities so that we can address workplace situations rather than assume they can’t be changed and blame the problems on women working with women.

In the words of one of my favorite leaders, Ghandi, “Be the change you wish to see.”

I’m collecting stories about great teams of women working effectively and happily together to find the common themes. Tell me yours!

Copyright 2012 Darice Harris

Darcie Harris is an accomplished speaker, consultant, columnist, and media resource on women’s entrepreneurship and the challenges faced by professional women. CEO of EWF International, Darcie can be reached at 405.205.1124 or Darcie@ewfinternational.com.