Tag Archives: women business owner

Do Women Really Need to be Empowered?

This week I had an interesting conversation with a husband-wife team who own a business together.  Since I work only with female business owners, I wasn’t sure why Mr. Biz owner sat in on my conversation with Ms Biz owner, but I didn’t ask any questions.

I could tell that my “women only” service made him uncomfortable because he went over the top professing that his wife made her own decisions, that he’d never told her she couldn’t do something. When a man has to work that hard to convince me he’s not a chauvinist, I get a little skeptical.

I listened politely but soon became weary of his campaign to convince me that he’s a progressive kind of guy. Then he dropped the “E” word.

“My wife is an empowered woman,” he said.

I couldn’t resist. “Well you sound like a pretty empowered man to me,” I replied cheerfully.

That’s when he got red in the face and sputtered, “I don’t have to be empowered. I’m a man!”

I doubt they’ll invite me to dinner.

So why is it that women need to be empowered, but men get offended at the thought of being empowered?

Ah, they already power! To be empowered implies that we don’t have power and someone has to give it to us, as evidenced by this man’s reaction to my compliment about how empowered he is.

Perhaps women in developing countries, where it is common for women to be marginalized, need to be empowered — through legal changes, education, culture shifts, access to opportunities — but do women in the U.S. really need someone to empower us?

So ladies, how do you feel about your own power?  Do you feel comfortable embracing your own power or do you believe someone needs to empower you?

I’d love to read your comments.  And of course, if you are intrigued by what you read, feel free to share, but only if you think it adds to a good conversation.

 

girlfriend reunion

8 Life Lessons from My Girlfriend Reunion

Take eight high school girlfriends, add forty years, multiply by many thousands of miles and what do girlfriend reunionyou get? One great day of memories, hugs, and laughter, plus a few crucial lessons for both life and business.

I grew up in southern California, and moved away almost forty years ago (what was I thinking!!!). When I planned a trip back to attend a women’s conference, on a whim I reached out through Facebook to seven high school girlfriends who all still live in the area.

I hadn’t seen several of them since the day we graduated.

One of the women lives on a small lake, so we gathered there. We spent the afternoon on her boat, stopping for lunch, and sharing our stories (with plenty of photos and memories too!).

Together we heard about one another’s many joys and accomplishments. But real life isn’t just happy times, so we also heard about one another’s many obstacles, disappointments, and losses.

I’ll reflect on this sweet day for a long time.

That night I thought about all the challenges faced and overcome, all the love given and received, all fears and the courage. I thought about all the choices made, the opportunities seized and lost. I could see the steady paths followed, and could see the sharp turns and the roads not taken.

We had all changed, of course, yet we were the same. That small kernel of who we were on graduation day, who we ARE at the core, remained.

I came away with eight lessons worth sharing – meaningful lessons about both life and business.

1) Pursue your dreams, even though those dreams may shift and change. What we thought we wanted on the day we graduated might not have been what energized us after all. When one dream fades, put another in its place.

2) Build on your strengths, don’t limit yourself to them — add more. We were all good at something back in high school, and each of us added to those strengths by tackling challenges and being open to new learning.

3) Plans don’t unfold neatly, in life or in business. Plans have to be changed, sometimes dramatically. When one direction doesn’t work, look in a new direction.

4) Grief is inevitable. Every one of our eight friends had lost something – jobs, homes, husbands, children, and lost body parts (yes, feminine body parts). We can’t stay stuck in grief. We face life and change without losing who we are. We can let grief make us bitter, but why not let it make us better?

5) Resilience is crucial. Never ever give up. And in the words of one friend, “Don’t let your disappointments define you.”

6) Burdens are lighter when shared and some burdens are meant to be set down altogether. Forgiveness lightens the load we carry. That means forgiving ourselves too.

7) Always keep learning. Take a deep dive into what really interests you. Most of all, take a deep dive into learning about yourself. Self-awareness is fundamental to our happiness and success.

8) Your self-beliefs shape everything else. Pay close attention to what you tell yourself ABOUT yourself. Notice what you believe about who and what you are, because that’s who you will be. Always remain authenticity you, not who others defined you to be.

Take a second look at those eight lessons and ask yourself how they apply to your personal life and your business as well. I hope my girlfriend reunion leads to an “aha moment” for you.

And the last lesson…whether you are 25 or 65, keep in touch with your girlfriends!

P.S.  If you want to “go deep” into how your self-beliefs might be holding you back, and explore your unique purpose, check out my online course, The Alpha Mare: Embrace the Grace of Power.  You’ll learn lessons to shape the rest of your life, I promise.

Is Your (Lack of) Communication Causing Anxiety?

Last week I met with a woman entrepreneur who owned a large business, as well as a large building that houses the business.  As I turned into her parking lot, I noticed a big “For Sale” sign. 

“Wow, she’s selling out,” I thought to myself.  “I thought things were going well for her, but maybe not.”

Turns out things were going very well for her.  In fact, so well she had outgrown her space and Anxious-Girlwas looking for new property.  What a relief!

But during our conversation, it became clear that she hadn’t told her employees she was looking for new property.  Every employee who drove into the parking lot saw that big “For Sale” sign and had no idea what was happening or why. 

Imagine what was going through their minds.  For all they knew, she was selling the entire company.  “Am I going to be working for someone else?”  “Am I going to be out of a job?”

THE FALLOUT

When we don’t have information, we imagine the worst.  We invent things, we make things up.   We hallucinate.  For some strange reason, people tend to fill in the blanks — the communication gap — with something negative.    

Just imagine how much anxiety we create for those around us when we don’t communicate fully.  Just imagine how much wasted energy and wasted time results.  Just imagine how trust is damaged. 

Whether we have one employee or one hundred employees, we want fully engaged, committed, productive employees, right?   Is it possible we might forget to provide employees with some critical information so that they CAN be fully engaged and productive?  

THE FLIPSIDE

It’s not just employees who need forthright communication.  Customers need clear and honest information about what you can deliver and when. 

Contrast the “building for sale” situation with this one:  I hired a branding firm to freshen up my website (stay tuned for a new look soon!).  They promised me they would have a document to me by the end of the day Friday. 

About 10:00 that morning I received an email saying that they noticed something they weren’t happy with.  They wanted to change it, but it would be Monday before the right team member could take care of it. 

Wow!  I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that email.  Honest, direct, timely communication.  No avoiding, therefore no anxiety and no wondering.  And no damage to my trust in them. 

THE CAUSE

The two most common culprits that cause a communication vacuum?

  • Busyness – When you wear too many hats and go in a hundred directions, it’s easy to overlook communication needs.  But as a leader, communication must be one of your top priorities.  If you’re too busy, dig deeper and realign your priorities.  Find small things you can 1) delegate, 2) outsource, or 3) eliminate.  Start with your technology… it’s become an incredible black hole we fall in!
  • Fear — A dozen “what if’s” go through your mind as you consider what to say, to whom, and when.  What if they disagree?  What if they get upset?  Don’t let fear of someone’s reaction stop you from sharing important information.  Emotional needs come out one way or the other.  Be on the front end and know that emotions are the gateway to vitality and better relationships. 

THE SOLUTION

So what can you do to make sure your communication is timely, open, and transparent?  Use these twelve questions as a quick checklist.  Review them before each staff meeting (you are having staff meetings, aren’t you?).  In fact, just print them out and keep them handy. 

  1. Who needs to know What by When?
  2. Whose cooperation do I need for this task or project to be successful?
  3. Who will actually carry out the work?
  4. Who will influence the outcome?  This might be someone who is not directly responsible, but someone with technical expertise, like legal or technology advice.
  5. Who will be affected by this decision, this action, this project?
  6. Have I fully communicated my expectations?
  7. Do my employees know where we are going?
  8. Do they know what we need to do to get there?
  9. Are they aware of our values, our processes and our procedures?
  10. Do they understand how they contribute to the company’s bottom line?
  11. Is there something I’m afraid of?
  12. What can I do to mitigate my fears?

Remember, when people don’t have information, they fill in the communication gap with something negative.  Those negative thoughts create anxiety and damage trust. 

Authentic and transparent communication is the first step to trusting, healthy relationships, both inside your company an out. 

I’d love to see your comments and questions!  And as always, if you know other women who can learn from this, please do share. 

Take care, d

Darcie

Chapter 1 — The Alpha Mare: Twenty Lessons for Women Who Take Business Seriously

Power:  Embracing the Alpha Mare

Ask a woman if she aspires to be powerful and nine out of ten will look shocked and say, “No!” 

Women may want to be influential, yes.  Powerful?  Don’t go there.

Women want to be seen as compassionate, fair, understanding.  We are the “helpers” of the world.  For many women, to think about power seems a bit unfeminine.  Or worse, crass, as though power is associated only with personal, selfish or material gain.

It’s almost offensive. 

It makes perfect sense, really.  Too often women have seen power overused, misused and abused.  The result?  Women often avoid or abdicate authentic power.

I’ve seen women walking on eggshells with their staff, or nearly held hostage by employees, fearful of expressing expectations and expecting accountability. I’ve seen women make excuses for employees who do not live up to expectations, don’t produce enough, or simply do mediocre work while the company suffers and the bar gets lowered for everyone on the team.

But if power is bad, that makes powerless good right? 

Think about the last time you felt powerless.  It might have been as simple as being caught in heavy traffic on the way to an appointment, and knowing your will be late.  It may have been as critical as finding out a dear friend has cancer, and feeling completely helpless.  Regardless of the level of significance, feeling powerless doesn’t feel good.

As women struggle with our own legitimate power, we inadvertently give away our power, without even realizing it.

Six common ways women avoid or give away power. 

Take a look and see if any of these apply to you?  I know I have my personal favorites!

  1. GOSSIP:  Yup, we’ve got to start with the one that’s the hardest to face.  We give away our power when we talk about others, especially when we speak negatively about other women.  There is nothing we can say about another woman that will make her look as bad as we look when we talk trash or gossip about her.  If you’re wondering what qualifies as gossip, one checkpoint is to ask yourself, “Would the woman I’m talking about be completely comfortable with me sharing this information with others?”  Or, “Would I be saying the same thing about  this woman if she were standing here listening to me?”
  2. BEING A VICTIM OR AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES: I know a woman who hates her job.  She’s a workers’ comp attorney, and I can imagine that’s one of the most unpleasant jobs a person can have.  Her work is adversarial.  People arguing over everything; people who try to scam the system; people who are legitimately hurt being denied benefits.  She’s extremely bright and could be successful in so many other situations.  But she won’t pursue other options.  There’s always an excuse. She likes how much money she makes and thinks she can’t replace her current compensation.  She’s not trained to do anything else.  She’s too busy to explore other options.  She just keeps complaining.  She sees herself as a victim and is stuck.  She has an education most of us would give our right arm for:  a bachelors degree, a masters degree, and a law degree.  But she’s giving away her power, by believing she has no choice.  When you behave as if you have no choice, you become a victim.  It’s true, sometimes all of your choices look unpleasant.  Sometimes we really are between a rock and a hard place.  But you always have a choice.  When you find yourself saying, “What else could I do?” or “I didn’t have a choice?” or pointing fingers or blaming others, you’re on your way to being a victim.
  3. NOT LEARNING: It takes a tremendous variety of skills and knowledge to run a business.  You wear a lot of different hats.  I often hear women who don’t understand their own financials say, “I just don’t like numbers.”  Or their sales are flat, and they say, “I really don’t like selling” but pass up workshop opportunities to learn.   No matter what your profession, technology skills are essential now.  And what about current events?  How often have you heard (or said!), “I don’t listen to the news; it’s just too negative and depressing.”?   When we don’t educate ourselves about current events and important policy issues, we end up taking on the opinions and values of others.  We don’t create our own opinions, we just become sponges for others’ opinions.  We end up living with laws or the absence of laws that affect our quality of life.  Knowledge is power.  Refusing to learn is giving away your power.
  4. NOT BEING AUTHENTIC:  Nothing damages trust more than lack of authenticity.  And sadly, there’s a long list of ways we deny our own authenticity.  We go along to get along.  We don’t voice our opinions.  We speak sweetly when we’re really seething with legitimate anger because nice girls don’t get mad.  We allow social pressures to dictate what organizations we join, even if we don’t enjoy them.  We engage in people pleasing, saying Yes when we really wanted to say No.  We end up in unsatisfying professions because of family or parental influence.  In short, we settle for someone else’s version of how we live.
  5. NOT CHARGING THE SAME AS MEN OR NOT NEGOTIATING FOR BETTER PAY:  Weak expectations also lead women to not charging enough for their services or not negotiating for more, either in compensation or in contracts.   Here’s a scary fact I read recently:  A 22-year-old woman who negotiates for a 2.7 percent increase in a $35,000 starting salary, compared to male counterpart who negotiates a 4.3-percent increase on that same salary loses up to $2 million over her lifetime, wrote Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever in their book Women Don’t Ask.
  6. UNCLEAR EXPECTATIONS, LIMITS OR BOUNDARIES:  Sometimes, above all else, we want to be liked.  And because we want to be liked, we can be timid about saying clearly what we expect. In the workplace, not having boundaries shows up as not making expectations clear and not holding people accountable.  Women tolerate or go along with inappropriate behavior because they are afraid to rock the boat.  To define boundaries brings the fear of confrontation.  I’ve seen women hire people without clearly defined job descriptions and without being up front about what they expect new employee to accomplish.

Fear is the core of all these ways we give away our power. 

We may not feel comfortable or capable of exerting authority. Maybe we don’t feel we deserve to. Sometimes we just don’t want to rock the boat. We don’t want to be seen as demanding or hard to please. We most definitely don’t want to be seen as a shrew. Underneath, we’re afraid of what others might think of us.

When we abdicate our power we create a vacuum of leadership, without recognizing that our team members and staff would respect a more assertive, confident position.

How do you get more comfortable with your own legitimate power?

Turn to the natural world. In every herd of horses, there is a dominant horse, the horse recognized to be “in charge.”  This horse is always a mare, commonly called the “alpha mare.”

Her duty is to tend to the safety and well-being of the entire herd, to signal the entire herd when to move, sleep, eat, drink, or run for safety. She frequently disciplines unruly youngsters, teaching them respectful behavior. The alpha mare has a great responsibility and the herd depends on her to make wise choices and enforce reasonable rules.

The entire herd looks to her for leadership, structure and discipline.

Imagine a herd of horses grazing peacefully in a pasture.  Now picture that alpha mare.  She smells a coyote in the wind and knows she’d better signal the herd to run.  But she hesitates, and wonders, “They are all munching so happily.  I hate to interrupt their dinner.  Will they be mad at me?”

Pretty ridiculous, isn’t it.  I doubt that alpha mares are squirming over their very legitimate power, wondering what the other horses think of them, feeling uncomfortable, or trying to avoid or give away their power. Through the laws of nature they step comfortably into their roles as alpha mares. If they do not lead with confident, legitimate power, their herd can suffer grave consequences.

For another equine example of appropriate power, look at female equestrians. Pair up a 125-pound woman with a 1,200-pound horse and the woman’s appropriate use of power becomes critical. The rider must be in charge or serious injury can result.

Being in charge does not mean being abusive, cruel or domineering. In fact, it means just the opposite. Through the gentle, consistent use of boundaries, alignment, timing, and learning to communicate in the horses’ language, a woman’s power can be used to direct and channel the horse’s energy into a magnificent display of teamwork, cooperation and athletic ability.

How can we be more like the wise alpha mares? 

We can begin with accepting and embracing our own personal power as a gift, a talent and an honor. We can shift our perception of power from negative to positive, seeing our ability to use power for good, and letting go of the fear of what others think of us.

Think about the power of Rosa Parks.  She changed the course of the world when she decided not to move to the back of the bus. Think about the power of Oprah Winfrey to inspire women to live their dreams. Think about the power of Mary Ellen Sheets, the founder of Two Men and a Truck, who has built a successful franchise business, creating opportunities for hundreds of people to own their own business.

You are powerful!  Just own it. 

As business leaders, your power can be used to create jobs, to facilitate teamwork, to inspire, to foster creativity, to improve your communities. You have the power to help your employees learn and grow, to discover their talents and pursue their dreams. You have the power to influence others, to lead others to achieve what they might not accomplish otherwise.

If you’re a woman who takes business seriously, you have to take yourself seriously as well (but not too seriously!).  That means learning that power isn’t bad — abuse of power is bad.

It’s quite an honor to be the alpha mare. Embrace your  power and use it for the greater good.


Find more inspiration in the remainder of my book — Get Out of Your Own Way: Essential Strengths and Strategies for Women Entrepreneurs Who Want to Grow Their Business — which includes this selection and nineteen other important lessons. Only $5.99 at Amazon.com.

DON’T FORGET YOUR SPECIAL BONUS!  You’ll be recieving three free podcasts designed specifically to strengthen YOU first. Knowledge is power — embrace the power of learning!